


Time Heals All?

by allmyinvisiblemonsters



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Fluff, Healing, Implied past torture, M/M, Thor and Loki love each other, but Loki can't let go of the hate, complicated relationship, graphic enough to get an E rating but not enough sex for anyone to get off on, lots of bitterness, mostly plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-04-05 09:29:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4174764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmyinvisiblemonsters/pseuds/allmyinvisiblemonsters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How does one will away the pain of betrayal and the lust to rule? Not every question has an answer. Set after the Avengers but ignores Dark World.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Time Heals All?

**Author's Note:**

> Please be warned that this is not a happy story even though, personally, I felt a sense of catharsis by the end.
> 
> *As always, please let me know if you find any spelling or grammatical errors. I know it feels rude but I promise, I won't take it as anything other than honest help.*

Thor visited him every night. 

The prison was supposed to be impenetrable but Frigga had her ways. They were both her sons and she was their mother. Odin may have been the All-Father, the grand authority, but she knew best. A very special spell let Thor pass through the shimmering walls and no one but her was the wiser.

~

Thor kissed Loki’s neck as they laid together naked on the furs. They were sweaty and satisfied, and it was momentarily quiet. In a way, it was peaceful, but the air was poisoned with sorrow. 

“I wish I could heal the sickness in you, brother,” Thor whispered. “I know you are angry, and bitter, and hurt. I wish I could convince you that I love you.”

Loki sighed. He was so tired.

“I don’t doubt your love,” he said bitterly. Thor waited for more but Loki didn’t look like he was about to continue. Thor had been trying for months now, and he would try again. And again.

“Remember that time, little brother, when we were only a few years past our coming of age, practically still boys, and you began to avoid me?” Thor murmured gently into his brother’s shoulder. Loki hummed.

“We had spent every moment together since we were babes and then all of a sudden, you couldn’t bear to look at me. Every time I managed to catch your eye, all I could see was pain and fear. I was confused and heartbroken that my own brother seemed to hate me,” Thor continued his story gently.

“And finally, I could take your treatment no longer. I locked us in the broom closet and hugged you so tightly that you gasped that you couldn’t breathe, do you remember that? And I told you that I missed you, and that I was sorry for whatever I had done to make you hate me.”

Loki smiled softly. 

“I begged you to tell me what I did. I told you I’d give anything for you to speak to me again. And your eyes filled with tears, and I held you while you wept. You beat my chest in anger and screamed that I would hate you in return if I only knew. And do you remember what I said?”

“Never,” Loki whispered hoarsely. 

“Never,” confirmed Thor. “I could _never_ hate you. Not even if it was your fault that the sun never rose again. Nothing would ever cause me to hate my own brother. And you looked at me in disbelief and I held you for another hour before you spoke.”

Thor paused for a moment, recalling his favorite memory fondly. 

“You told me you loved me. Not only as a brother, but as more. You were so conflicted, you thought yourself disgusting. And I remember I was so overjoyed, so elated that you felt this way, that I kissed you shamelessly until you were gasping again. I pressed my forehead against yours and apologized for not being the first to confess, for I had thought you were still too young and did not wish to scare you. And from that moment on, there was never a time I did not try to steal a kiss.” Thor finished his story, but not without a final question.

“Do you remember the relief you felt afterwards?”

Loki stiffened.

“Do you remember the euphoria that came after letting out all your anguish and finally telling me what you felt?” Thor pushed gently, making a point.

Loki turned to stare at him, guarded as ever.

“First of all, we aren’t _brothers_. Second of all, my entire childhood is a lie. You think one little story will change anything? You don’t understand at all. You don’t understand _anything_. You never will.” Loki started off loudly, strongly. But he quickly grew tired again and finished off on a quiet note. 

“Loki, I love you,” Thor begged. “ _Tell_ me. Let me at least try to understand. Let me try and ease the fire in your heart. What do you have to lose?”

Loki jerked his body away sharply, quickly getting up.

“Of course,” Loki spat, “What else could I possibly lose when I have nothing left? How astute of you, Odinson.” 

Thor pulled him back down by his arm. With some quick maneuvering, he pulled Loki onto his lap and wrapped his arms around the smaller man.

“Hush, brother. I do not mock you. But… you have given me no choice. I have trapped you here and I will not let you go,” Thor grinned and rested his head on Loki’s shoulder. Loki rolled his eyes.

“You’re such a child,” he said without venom. He sighed, shoulders drooping, skin an unhealthy gray. Lately, he either slept too much or not at all. Nothing was right. He shut his eyes as they began to water. The two sat in silence. After a small eternity, Thor roused. He lifted his head and stared at Loki’s closed eyelids before speaking.

“There is no Midgard here.”

Thor gently kissed Loki’s lips. 

“Nor is Asgard watching.”

Another kiss.

“I am not Odin.”

Loki opened his wet green eyes and looked into Thor’s warm blue ones.

“Tell me, Loki, what plagues you?”

All the remaining energy drained out of Loki. His head fell against Thor’s chest. 

“It’s such a strange feeling to love and hate someone at the same time,” he began, his voice emotionless. “You know how I feel about you, and I hate myself for it but I can’t help it. You are too warm, like sunshine, too bright for me to let go of. Whenever we lay together, ever since we were young, I feel you in my very bones and I could never let that go, even now. Every time I try and lock myself away, you look at me with those eyes and your stupid smile and I can’t do it. You visit me, you try and make it all better even though it’s hopeless, even after all I’d done on Midgard, even though Odin has forbidden this. And even after finding out what sort of monster I am, you still come to me. But by all of Hel, I hate you. The golden son, everything I’m not and can never be. You always mocked me, always joked how I was weaker and how my seidr was merely child’s play. And no matter how many times you apologize for it now, it’s too late. For all of Asgard was led by your example. I was always seen as weaker, darker, less worthy. Our subjects, our servants, our friends, even our own parents always favored you. It’s _so_ easy to be blind to it when you’re not the one slighted. And even with this heavy shadow over me, at least I thought I knew where I belonged."

A sharp bark of laughter burst from Loki.

"Do you know what it’s like to be raised to believe yourself an equal? To be repeatedly told that you were born to be king, only to realize that it was a cruel joke, that the throne was never meant for you to begin with? You see Odin as wise and all knowing, but why would he not tell me from the start that I was adopted? That I was meant to die and it was only his ‘kindness’ that saved me? Why would he teach us all our lives that the Jotuns were monsters when he knew what I was? And it wasn’t just him, Frigga lied too. They both lied to me, covering up their Jotun child. Every day, a part of me wishes he had just left me in Jotunheim to die.”

Thor swallowed thickly. Loki wasn’t done.

“I was led to believe I was your equal, but I was never treated as such. There was nothing I could do about that. It was too late – it was _ingrained_. I was raised to believe that I was an Asgardian, son of Odin and Frigga. That was also a lie, one that couldn’t be changed. I was raised to believe that one day I would rule, that it was my birthright. And it was the one thing I could control. And if I did not succeed in killing you and Asgard did not become mine, I would go somewhere else. And I did. And you could not let me have even that.”

Before Thor could interrupt, Loki raised his head.

“Did you ever wonder what happened to me after I let go of the bifrost? You never asked. Did you ever consider the pain and suffering I went through before I reached Midgard, looking for the tesseract? Did you ever consider _who_ taught me of the tesseract? What they had done to me before I could even attempt to bargain? In return for the delivery I was to be gifted Midgard, but did you ever think about what they would do to me if I had failed? If Tony Stark hadn’t killed them all? The entire time we were on Midgard, did you truly never think it strange that my eyes were a blend of blue and green, shifting at every change of light, even though in all the time you’ve known me before that they were emerald green?”

Thor blinked, a sense of dread beginning to creep into him. 

“You didn’t. You never considered anything. You never _noticed_ anything. Not now, not in the past year, not when we were children. Your life was grand, and everything always worked in your favor. I don’t doubt that you loved me, or that you love me now, but your love is selfish. You want to heal me so that we can live your happily ever after but what about what I want? What about the fact that being here, in Asgard, is a slap in the face? A reminder of everything I’ll never have, of everything I never really had at all. I am imprisoned by the man who lied to me my entire life and you come down here every night, talk to me, fuck me, and then leave in the morning like I’m a convenient bed slave who can’t go anywhere.”

Thor tried to protest but still Loki wasn’t finished.

“Why, Thor, if you truly consider this a fair punishment, are you not locked in here beside me? When you went to Jotunheim after your failed coronation, dragging me and your friends with, how many did you kill? Fifty Jotuns? One hundred? You started a war. And you weren’t sorry. Your punishment was to be sent away without your precious hammer until you were deemed ‘worthy’. I killed eighty, maybe a hundred. Why is the death of a hundred Midgardians worse than of a hundred Jotuns? Is death not always terrible? Why was your punishment a coming of age tale and mine an eternity of imprisonment?”

Thor was speechless.

Loki stared back at him with empty eyes. 

“What about what _I_ want?” he whispered. Loki laid his head back down on Thor’s chest and closed his eyes. 

~

It was a different night. A new night. Loki lay on top of Thor while his big brother’s hands combed absent-mindedly through his hair. 

Thor’s cock was still deep inside Loki and the golden haired man slowly pushed in deeper. It was less about completion and more about the comfort of connection, of intimacy. Both of them had already reached their peak many times that night, and they were content to bask in each other’s arms. It was Thor who broke the peace.

“Oh, my dear silly brother.” 

Loki stiffened. 

“How could you ever believe I would see you as a monster? How could you ever think that I saw you as a bed slave?”

“Why are you talking? You’re ruining the one thing I enjoy,” complained Loki. He was tired of weeping. He wished Thor would just shut up for once. 

Thor raised Loki’s chin with his fingers so that they could see into each other’s eyes.

“You would look no less stunning with blue skin and red eyes,” Thor promised and Loki felt a fresh wave of tears rise, his throat choking up. “I would lick every raised marking on your flesh and my heart would war with itself, wondering whether to show you off or keep you all to myself.”

Loki closed his eyes and lowered his head back onto Thor’s chest. Damn him. He didn’t have the energy for this. Why was Thor torturing him? 

“If it were up to me, I would not leave you in the morning. I would stay here and when father would find us, I would tell him that there’s no place I’d rather be. But I fear he would punish us both by locking you away somewhere that even I couldn’t reach you. Mother and I are trying to think of a way to approach him to discuss you. Odin is stubborn, but he’s not so stubborn to ignore reason forever.”

Loki didn’t say anything. He simply squeezed his eyes shut more tightly and clenched around Thor’s cock, hoping to distract him from speaking. But Thor continued.

“I’m so sorry. I know I’ve said this before, but perhaps before I didn’t quite know what I was apologizing for. I apologized for mocking you, for thinking your magic was weak, for Odin’s anger at you. But I realize now, none of those things were what I was supposed to be apologizing for. _Loki_ ,” Thor wrapped his arms around his brother, “I am so deeply sorry for causing a storm of disrespect to follow you. I am so sorry for never seeing that you were snubbed and mistreated in my favor. I’m sorry for never noticing and never telling anyone to show you the respect that you deserved, not only as prince, but as the brother I care for. I am sorry that you were lied to, that you were taught to see yourself as a monster and to hate yourself. You are no monster. You are simply my bluer, colder, adopted brother.”

Tears were trickling down the sides of Thor’s chest. Loki wished he could stop but that’s all it seemed he could do lately. Fuck and cry. 

“I’m sorry that instead of anticipating your anger and expecting you to lash out in anguish and betrayal, we punished you for not being reasonable. If it were my choice, I would release you from this prison. I am not entirely certain your heart stopped lusting for destruction, but caging you is not the answer. I am so, so sorry for not noticing that you were under the tesseract’s power. I did think about you constantly when I thought you were lost in the void, but upon seeing you, I did not ask you if you were alright. I insulted your motivations, demanded you come home. I should have recognized the fear in your eyes, the pain, the obvious _change_ , but I didn’t. I regret this deeply. I’m sorry for not doing this sooner, for not sitting down with you and asking you what you want.” 

Loki dug his nails into Thor’s sides. He hated this. Every time Thor spoke, the pain would flare and dull simultaneously. How could he release the anguish? The betrayal? Loki didn’t doubt Thor’s earnest apologies and, if anything, they made him love Thor even more. But words alone would not remove years of self-hatred and fury.

“I don’t _know_ what I want. I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know how to heal,” whispered Loki. “I don’t know. You don’t trust me, but I don’t trust you either. How am I supposed to just let things go?”

Thor sighed sadly. Nothing was ever simple. He rubbed Loki’s back.

“I want respect, and I won’t ever get it here so I don’t want to be in Asgard anymore. I don’t want Midgard either. Or Jotunheim. I want to be somewhere else. Somewhere quiet and cool, with mountains and lakes, and no one to bother me. I want you there with me. I only feel equal to you when we’re alone. I want to fuck you when I’m in a good mood, and to crack boulders against a cliff when my mood sours. Maybe I want to be dead. I just want to be free… but mostly I want respect,” Loki concluded, heart heavy.

Thor sat up and looked at his brother, holding him. And for the first time in many years, Thor began to weep. He held Loki and wept with him for all the injustice, for all his apologies, for everything he wanted to give his brother but wasn’t sure he could promise. He leaned his forehead against Loki’s and quickened his thrusts.

**Author's Note:**

> It feels incomplete, but I've been trying for months to finish it and can't seem to find any inspiration. I might continue with it one day and have purposefully left it open-ended. I want to give this a happy ending, I just can't think of how yet. 
> 
> *As always, please let me know if you find any spelling or grammatical errors. I know it feels rude but I promise, I won't take it as anything other than honest help.*


End file.
